Set 'em up, knock 'em down!

I made the mistake of plowing through a lot of "tasks" today.
Accomplishment level: inflated high.
Would I rather have done something meatier?
Of course!
I had that as my plan, as well as the little piddly things.
But I didn't get to the heart of what I needed to do until the end of the day.
And that just made me want to kick myself right into the next county.
I am better than this.
But, alas, my attention span is for shit of late.
I vacilate between a lack of motivation, and then a desire to turn into a whilrwind.
No middle-ground for this cookie.
I plot out a plan for the day.
I get a good head of steam going, and then, inevitably, some task or request comes in that derails me.
My time is not really my own right now.
And I've come to accept that.
The problem arises, when my motivation is in the crapper and then I have shit to do, I can't seem to get my engine revved, and then when I DO finally get going, WHAM! A request that I HAVE to fulfill.
Maybe I don't have to fulfill it, but I am obliged to at least respond to the request.
And, more often than not, because I have put myself in that position, I DO have to fulfill it.
Saying "no" is not an option right now.
I need to get ahead of the curve.
I am making strides in other areas, so I guess my work-life can take a backseat for now.
We are in a serious transition time and I am more focused on ME than anything else.
And some experts would say that that is time well spent.
However, it doesn't get my staff motivated, it doesn't get audits completed, it doesn't get the special project done.
I need a work re-boot.
But I am not feeling like putting the effort out.
We need a giant reset button, and we are getting that soon, but for now, we are free-falling, like a plane on fire and heading for the ground fast.
So I guess my lack of motivation is warranted, but I can usually get my shit back on course. I have not been able to in the last month or so.
I will continue to work on ME.
Because I am all that I have.
And if I am not the best me that I can be, then I am following in someone else's footsteps and heading down a path that is not mine.
(Talk about stream of consciousness...)
I think some art is in order.

In brief

It has been along time since I have posted here.
I am trying to figure out where to shout into the ether.
I have not been writing much.
I have not been creating art much.
My life has been a battle for my physical and overall health, of late.
And, yes, I recognize that creating is essential to mental health, which in turn feeds into physical health.
I have been focused on being more physically active.
I am 100% work at home now, and that means, I don't have the mile walk to the train in the morning, I don't have the walk from the station to the office, I don't walk aronud the office to get water, go potty, or meet with people.
I sit on my ass, day in and day out, in the second bedroom, noticing my pants don't fit, I am easily exhausted, and my attention wanders.
It's not as if I haven't been noting the changes as they have been happening, but, time has a way of getting away from you, and a day becomes a week, becomes a month and the next thing you know, a year has gone by and you have very little to show for the last 365 days.
I hit the bottom.
I recognized that I have been recording things, but not doing anything with the data. I don't review, I don't acknowledge success and failure, I don't challenge myself.
That has changed.
I am holding my feet to the fire.
I am actually setting goals.
I am breaking those goals into actionable steps.
I liked to think of myself as someone who was "above" having a routine and thought that routines are boring.
But I have learned that routine and planning means focus and it leads to success, it leads to accomplishment, and it leads to a whole me.
So, let's see if this platform and these brain dumps help in the overall scheme.

Sometimes

I am not aware

of what you might think

at any given moment

All I know

is that

my thoughts swirl

and sometimes

they need to land somewhere

and sometimes

they might be read

by you

and sometimes

you may see yourself

in those words

Serendipity?

or just coincidence

Road Trippin'

I am reminded of the RHCP song:

"Road trippin' with my two favorite allies.."

Well, they may not be two of my favorite allies. One of them is, the other is his brother, and I can deal with that.

Since we had a day off, I headed out with my favorite beer buddy to a brew-pub, in the southern suburbs of Chicago. We had plans to hit up Three Floyds in Munster, but they were closed. So it was Flossmoor Station and then off to Crown Point IN to Crown Brewing.

Flossmoor didn't disappoint. They had a good selection, and of course, it was Big Beer Monday so you could get 20 oz pours for the cost of a 16. But Judy chooses 12oz pours and therefore cannot take advantage. Sometimes, I'm not the brightest.

Had a mycetes, a mushroom abbey. Wasn't too bad. A little sweet. Nice color. I'm glad I tried it. The other was a Begian dubbel. It had a nice punch and didn't come off too strong but did pack a whallop on the back end.

Crown is always a gem. They do not sell much outside of Crown Point, so the trip is worth it, because I do not get to enjoy their brews unless I trek out to them. And I bring back a Growler to enjoy when I get home.

I wanted the Alkoholika ale, but they were dry. So, I had a bock and a double IPA. Both, of course, in 12oz tulip pours. What is my PROBLEM?! I choose these precious beers!

Oh well. Brought some Crown Brown Ale home to imbibe in while I watch the Blackhawks (hopefully) smash the Red Wings.

Who's signing up for the next road-trip?!?

Friends

I am lucky
I have friends that I can reach out to

Granted, some of them don't respond immediately
And I get a little butt-hurt
But in general, if I reach out, there is some reciprocation.
And I am thankful for that

I have people I go to for work related issues
There are another group that I rely on for relationship advice
And then there are people I just do a Facebook status for so they know that I'm alive (and to check in on my Dad.)

I was usually the one to hang on the edge of any social grouping. I was never the center of attention, but I would interject at strategic points and usually leave the crowd laughing or thinking. I still do that. In fact I am amazed when I can walk into a room of people that I barely know and am able to get comfortable.

Now put me in a group of strangers, I will glom onto one person until that individual introduces me to someone else in the room. I don't make a pest of myself. I will hang out then retreat to the corner with my beer, and wait for another opportunity to "drop into" a conversation (likely, where I'm not wanted..)

But today?
I am thankful for my friends.
They have lifted my spirits, made me feel comfortable, given me guidance and encouraged me to become something better than I am.
What more could you ask for, really?

Weakness. 

I hate that in myself. But the greater affront to my fragile ego, is when I can't get myself out of the immediate dilemma.  Then, someone brings a solution to my attention and I feel like a complete moron that I hadn't come up with that on my own.

I will take the easier way out, when something isn't going to play out according to "my" rules. I will surrender or acquiesce rather than spend precious time coming up with an alternate solution.

I fancy myself as clever and a thinker. And then something simple throws me of and I feel like a moron. But there are times where the focus is so tight, that alternative frames of reference can't come to the surface, until afterward.

I will take this bit of humbling today and catalog it, so the next time I am faced with something similar, I might take an extra minute and try an alternate solution.

Some days I wonder if I've got "it" in me.

I wonder if what others see in me is actually "in" me.

I have proven that I can be "reactionary" but I have prided myself on NOT being so knee-jerk in my reactions/responses. I will still follow protocol, but I will question the logic of the protocol.

When I actually stand behind a "rule" then there is some merit to it. I don't follow blindly. I don't enforce without knowing the logic behind it.

Listen, if you want the responsibility that I have? TAKE IT!!! I will gladly hand over what has been foist upon my shoulders. Take the daily stress and the need to complete a report by the eleventh of the month. Take it. I will gladly hand it over to you. Problem is??? YOU can't handle what is already on your plate and your coworkers have to swoop in and rescue you because you can't get to your assigned duties. And you want to take on MORE?!!

Please.

I guess I have "it" in me more than I realize.

I wish I could believe it.