Thursday, September 20, 2012

I've been thinking about escape today
There are a number of reasons why this is appealing to me at the moment
There's work, there's my heart, and there's my ego
I need to get away from the things that keep crushing my happiness
Not so much crushing the happiness as much as it's smothering it, blocking it, making it difficult for me to find the happiness
I'm taking solace in the artificial
I'm not seeing the good, the hope, the spark
My negativity is coloring my life and it hurts
It literally hurts
I've tried to tap into the things and the people that make me happy
I'm rebuked or not rewarded for my efforts
So I stop trying
I decide that it's not worth my effort any longer
I decide that I just need to ride out the negative
Then I wonder if it's just a downhill in the cycle
And that could be
I just have to grasp onto something and hold on until it passes
But it still hurts
It still makes me feel like I'm insignificant.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I struggle with the desire to be a genuine soul.
I want to present myself as myself
No filters, no bullshit, no guessing
I think that I am even keeled to people upon a first or even second meeting
I don't like to be judgemental
But sometimes the actions of other people trigger that urge in me
I won't judge you on your beliefs
They make up who you are and how you view the world
When you consciously choose to harm another person, I take issue with that
When you are purposefully mean, I don't understand it or see the purpose in it
Then there are the people who offer bull to your face and smack-talk behind your back
There are people who look for an excuse outside of themselves to hide behind the fact that they have no motivation or drive or urge to do anything
I have seen people overcome significant disability and illness to accomplish many things (some great, some average) and yet there are people who will take a minor setback or negative mindset and build their entire world around that and get no where
I don't want the world to pass me by
I want to be a part of it
I want to look at nature and buildings and feats of engineering and feats of thousands of years of evolution and be amazed, humbled and educated by it
I want to hear music, I want to look at creative expressions, I want to dance and feel
I want people to get the things that they need to survive
I want people to have the opportunity to get what they need
I want to be the voice for the voiceless
I want to advocate for those that don't know how
I am just one person, I can only do so much, I can only handle so much
There are days where I wonder how I can get up and do it
And I think of the people who truly CAN'T
I think of the people I've lost that can no longer get up and "do it"
I remember that I am healthy, relatively sane, and have compassion for my fellow travelers on this big blue marble
And I get up out of bed, and start the day a-new

Monday, September 17, 2012

One of the worst things, for me, is trying to work when I am not feeling well physically.
I can't concentrate, I'm worried about every ache and noise that my body is making.
Today, my stomach was the culprit.
I played through and had some mild distress as a result.
Headaches completely incapacitate me.
I CANNOT work with a headache.
Talk about losing focus and having ZERO ability to concentrate.
And for me sinus headaches are the worst.
Every time I move my head I can HEAR the sloshing.
And OI the pressure!
I'm still not 100%, but I think the distress is over.
I will likely head to bed early and rest.
I went to bed a little late last night, that may have played a role.
But I ran 3 miles before work and I only had my usual couple of minutes of stomach cramping which alleviated quickly. I wasn't feeling ill at all.
I didn't start feeling like a dung heap until I reached work, which may have been the culprit, the more I think about it.
Here's to a better, physically, tomorrow.
As long as I continue to remain in my current job/position, a "better" day is not on the horizon any time soon.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

I am quite adept at avoidance.
This stems, largely, from my dislike of confrontation.
Laziness also plays a huge role in this.
I have purchased more clothes, just so that I wouldn't have to do laundry.
Now, if an act will bring me pleasure, I am more likely to put out the effort. Duh. I'm human.
But here is where the disconnect happens.
I will continue to make outreach to someone, despite limited reciprocation.
What is the point? That I will continue to have a door slammed in my face? Why do I allow this self-punishment to continue?
I don't think of myself as particularly needy, yet, here I am clinging to any and all contact I have with someone.
My higher-functioning brain says, "Stop it and move on."
My heart says, "Keep yourself in the game, they'll turn around some time."
The thought that I am putting more into a relationship than I am getting out of it, is really beginning to bug me.
I already have a series of surface friendships that wax and wane.
If I have taken the time to get to know you, to invest myself and my time in you, and thinking that it was reciprocal, then I believe that we are more than just a couple of people passing by each other. If we have spent time, one-on-one, and connected, then you mean more to me than a heart or a star on some clever one-liner that I've posted on social media.
Maybe that's the problem.
I still have the social media connection with you, and that is all that we have. We stopped the off-line communicating, we stopped talking, we stopped interacting. This makes me sad.
So I continue to avoid the subject at hand. I avoid asking, "Is it something I did/said?" "Am I that boring?"
Then I wrestle with my own impulses and choices.
Soon enough, I will decide to slither away into the underbrush and stay hidden.
I will isolate and withdraw.
And will I be any worse for the wear? Will I be wiser for the decision?
I know I will be living in the present a little more.
I will likely also be more present to those I care for in flesh and blood.
But I also know that the nearly-instant validation is a hard drug to withdraw from.
This is an exercise that will test my mental fortitude, and I know that that is my weakest point.