Sunday, September 16, 2012

I am quite adept at avoidance.
This stems, largely, from my dislike of confrontation.
Laziness also plays a huge role in this.
I have purchased more clothes, just so that I wouldn't have to do laundry.
Now, if an act will bring me pleasure, I am more likely to put out the effort. Duh. I'm human.
But here is where the disconnect happens.
I will continue to make outreach to someone, despite limited reciprocation.
What is the point? That I will continue to have a door slammed in my face? Why do I allow this self-punishment to continue?
I don't think of myself as particularly needy, yet, here I am clinging to any and all contact I have with someone.
My higher-functioning brain says, "Stop it and move on."
My heart says, "Keep yourself in the game, they'll turn around some time."
The thought that I am putting more into a relationship than I am getting out of it, is really beginning to bug me.
I already have a series of surface friendships that wax and wane.
If I have taken the time to get to know you, to invest myself and my time in you, and thinking that it was reciprocal, then I believe that we are more than just a couple of people passing by each other. If we have spent time, one-on-one, and connected, then you mean more to me than a heart or a star on some clever one-liner that I've posted on social media.
Maybe that's the problem.
I still have the social media connection with you, and that is all that we have. We stopped the off-line communicating, we stopped talking, we stopped interacting. This makes me sad.
So I continue to avoid the subject at hand. I avoid asking, "Is it something I did/said?" "Am I that boring?"
Then I wrestle with my own impulses and choices.
Soon enough, I will decide to slither away into the underbrush and stay hidden.
I will isolate and withdraw.
And will I be any worse for the wear? Will I be wiser for the decision?
I know I will be living in the present a little more.
I will likely also be more present to those I care for in flesh and blood.
But I also know that the nearly-instant validation is a hard drug to withdraw from.
This is an exercise that will test my mental fortitude, and I know that that is my weakest point.

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